*By “Guaranteed” I mean “I have no idea, take these suggestions at your own risk, this list is just for fun, please don’t sue me when it isn’t fail safe and doesn’t work”*

The Insecure Writer’s Support Group meets monthly, online, so you can air out and dismiss your anxieties in the comfort of the group setting where we are always on your side. If you’d like to join, go here. Our generous co-hosts this month are PJ Colando, Ronel Janse van Vuuren, and Natalie Aguirre!  Hi Natalie! So excited you’re a co-host this month.

And we always have a question to get the post writing ideas flowing. For March 4th, the question is: What elements do you include in your book launch? Or what do you have in mind for your future book launch? Or what advice do you have to offer to others planning to launch a book?

And Oh-HO-HO do I have some elements for you to include, fellow authors. Buckle up for this part rant/part photo/part GIF journey.

For you, gentle reader, I present 15 Sparkly Fun Fail Safe Ways to Get People to Buy Your Books. (Let me know if they work.) I’ll explain how to work each into your book launch, using various amounts of sarcasm as needed.

  • Have your characters do the naughty and tell your readers all about it. People like naughty things.

A lot of authors, especially in the romance genre, like to create what I call a Trope Menu. It’s a sort of taste of what the reader can expect from your book. Prior to your launch, create one. (Try Canva, Unsplash, Figma for photo media and Kapwing for videos. Or join the dark side and use AI, just make sure you’re using free commons or free source photos for your media to avoid being sued.)

  • Sequins, glitter, embossed letters or tiny LED lights in the cover. People like shiny things.

At our core, humans are a lot like any other animal. We’re attracted to shiny, moving things. You’d think this one is sarcasm but, no, I am actually being entirely serious. If you’re launching at a physical event, some LED strip lights wouldn’t be out of place and they’re super cheap to buy. If you’re launching digitally, some sort of moving or shiny, or moving AND shiny graphics would help catch the eye.

More passion. More passion. More energy. More footwork. SELL THOSE BOOKS, TWINKLE LIGHTS.

  • Whenever the story seems to be getting boring, throw some Aliens in. I don’t care if it’s a historical romance: Aliens. Tentacles are never out of place in a plot.

This one is mostly sarcasm. But the unexpected and silly are sometimes good selling aids, so you could make up your own little graphic about how much aliens love your book and give it 5 stars. Readers with a sense of humor will get a kick out of it and you might sell some books.

  • Put the cover of your book on fliers and hand them out on the strip in Vegas. It will at least be more high-tone than the other  fliers being handed out on the strip in Vegas.

This is a genuine tactic that authors use at book conventions. For a book launch, I would at least recommend having some physical little cards with the cover of your book and where to find you on them. PLEASE don’t forget to include where to find your books! I have so many beautiful covers on nice cards from romance cons, but they’re like baseball cards at this point. They just sit there collecting. I don’t really have the time to go search each and every author and click around until I find their book. One link, one place to go, one less thing on my to-do list.

  •  Characters who bump the grind. People love bumping and grinding.

You can tell I write romance, can’t you. Sigh. Anyway, what I mean is action. Make sure there’s action going on in your book and then tease your readers with it at your book launch.

  • Offer a sedative/audio book combo. If it’s playing while they’re asleep, they’re still reading, it was in some science study a long time ago.

This one is entirely sarcasm. If you have audio versions of your books, though, it wouldn’t hurt to make a separate book launch with all the glitter and catchy media you used for your book launch, plus some taglines about the fantastically soothing voices of your narrators. Audiobooks are just as important and deserve their own launch!

  • Death. Lots of deaths and horrible peril resulting in maiming. It’s not conflict until someone loses an eye. People love horrible maiming.

If you’re writing thrillers, mysteries, or literary fiction I feel like this is already a given? Same rules as the sexy time apply for a book launch; create some sort of teaser media and tease your audience with the potential gore. A book launch is not the time to ride a high horse about your author pride, just by the way. This is the time to get down in the muck with the rest of us and sell your book.

  • Offer a free puppy or kitten from the local shelter with the first 100 books. People buy your books, the shelter gets pets adopted, it’s a win-win for everyone.

Also sarcastic, but only because adoption is a serious process with a lot of background steps and wouldn’t really be practical or cost-effective to include in a book launch. But unexpected partnerships and perks could be something which work for you and your book (depending entirely on budget, of course). Is your book set in or around food service? Coffee shop, restaurant, bakery. Do you know the owner of a coffee shop? Would they be interested in offering a small discount code you can include with the link for your book? A little recipe card with your character’s favorite recipe? Could you give out tiny compasses to go along with a survival thriller? Small knife stickers with a murder mystery? There are so many different ways small businesses could support each other here, but it will help a lot if you already know a small business owner.

  • Put the cover of your book on a poster and photo bomb the local news. Your book has to be more interesting than the on-site report they’re doing. The viewers will thank you. The FCC, not so much.

  • Stalk a celebrity until you have the chance to wing a copy of your book at their head. At the very least, the publicity from the lawsuit will get your book sold.

PLEASE do not actually do this. Start small with a less prosecutable offense, like getting an interview about your book launch with your local library or book club. Take out an add in your smallest local paper.

  • Characters who get freaky in the sheets. On the streets too, why not? The more freaky the more copies sold. People like freaky things.

I’ll just leave this here. You can use your imagination as to what freaky things my characters get up to in this book.

  • Sacrifice a chicken to the gods of publicity. Offer the souls of your enemies on a spike, if you’re really being serious. It won’t be the first sacrifice for the gods of publicity, believe me.

  • Characters who have lots of smoochy time. People love smoochy time.

  • Characters who have lots of the sex. People love to read about the sex.

It’s a sad fact but a true one. Sex sells. Romance is consistently the top earning genre, year by year, for this very reason.

  • If all else fails, chalk it up to the fact that readers are obviously culture deprived trolls who lack the subtlety to read your work and write another book. With lots of Aliens. And a puppy, who is in mortal peril. Don’t forget the shiny things.

You’re welcome.

If you have any fun suggestions for me, throw them in the comments. I would like to know if the gods of publicity ask for goats over chickens, or if they in fact appreciate a good quality chocolate more.

*Obviously I am not a marketing expert. I sell an average of five copies a year of my own books. This list is intended for fun, and should be taken as such.*