*By “Guaranteed” I mean “I have no idea, take these suggestions at your own risk, this list is just for fun, please don’t sue me when it isn’t fail safe and doesn’t work”*

In a pure and noble world we would be able to write as an expression of our deepest souls, to share the joy of imagined worlds and open up new ideas and limitless possibilities to everyone who reads our words. These words would be freely given to all who ask, a sharing so beautiful it defies comprehension. We would never have to worry about things like trends, or marketability, author platforms or reviews.

In this mundane reality we have to sell the pieces of our soul we put on the page, for money. I have learned to accept that fact because I, personally, enjoy having a roof over my head, hot water that comes out when I turn the tap and toilet paper to use in my nice clean bathroom. Suffering for your art is only romantic on paper.

Since this is the reality in which we write, we have to sell our books. So for you I present 15 Sparkly Fun Fail Safe Ways to Get People to Buy Your Books, Guaranteed. Let me know if they work.

  1. Have your characters do the naughty. People like naughty things.
  2. Sequins, glitter, embossed letters or tiny LED lights in the cover. People like shiny things.
  3. Whenever the story seems to be getting boring, throw some Aliens in. I don’t care if it’s a historical romance: Aliens. Tentacles are never out of place in a plot.
  4. Put the cover of your book on fliers and hand them out on the strip in Vegas. It will at least be more high-tone than the other fliers being handed out on the strip in Vegas.
  5.  Characters who bump the grind. People love bumping and grinding.
  6. Offer a sedative/audio book combo. If it’s playing while they’re asleep, they’re still reading, it was in some science study a long time ago.
  7. Death. Lots of deaths and horrible peril resulting in maiming. It’s not conflict until someone loses an eye. People love horrible maiming.
  8. Offer a free puppy or kitten from the local shelter with the first 100 books. People buy your books, the shelter gets pets adopted, it’s a win-win for everyone.
  9. Put the cover of your book on a poster and photo bomb the local news. Your book has to be more interesting than the on-site report they’re doing. The viewers will thank you. The FCC, not so much.
  10. Stalk a celebrity until you have the chance to wing a copy of your book at their head. At the very least, the publicity from the lawsuit will get your book sold.
  11. Characters who get freaky in the sheets. On the streets too, why not? The more freaky the more copies sold. People like freaky things.
  12. Sacrifice a chicken to the gods of publicity. Offer the souls of your enemies on a spike, if you’re really being serious. It won’t be the first sacrifice for the gods of publicity, believe me.
  13. Characters who have lots of smoochy time. People love smoochy time.
  14. Characters who have lots of the sex. People love to read about the sex.
  15. If all else fails, chalk it up to the fact that readers are obviously culture deprived trolls who lack the subtlety to read your work and write another book. With lots of Aliens. And sex. Throw in some sex with Aliens. And a puppy, who is in mortal peril. Don’t forget the shiny things.

You’re welcome.

If you have any fun suggestions for me, throw them in the comments. I would like to know if the gods of publicity appreciate goats more than chickens, or if they in fact appreciate a good quality chocolate more.

*Obviously I am not a marketing expert. I’m not even published and haven’t sold any copies of my books myself. This list is intended for fun, and should be taken as such. Don’t really do any of these things. Seriously, please don’t.*



photo courtesy: stocksnap.io via Rachel Walker